Brokenhearted :(

Well, it's been a long time since last time I wrote in this blog.

Back to Indonesia for some years now and have passing a lot of things, some great times, some sad times, all up and down moments. And I guess everyone also have the same experience with me with many kind of forms.

One of most critical points in my life since I'm back in Indonesia was FALL IN LOVE with an old friend. I really in love with him, and I feel that this is most special compared with my previous love journeys. My love for him and his love for me was meant a lot to me and was so beautiful, and couldn't find that feeling in the previous journey.

But maybe we're just not meant for each other so yesterday we have to broke up. Since in the beginning of our relationship, he couldn't accept me just the way I am. He dislikes my way of thinking and my past international background and my way of life when I was abroad. He got very jealous with all the guys in my office and pushed me to do something that even I haven't been able to think about it.

I don't know, maybe I just couldn't been able to satisfy him and couldn't be a perfect girl just like his ex. The way he told a story about his ex was reflecting that he still care for her very much. In my perception, his ex has a very big influence in his life and I just a piece of cake compared to her. When we were in our relationship, he refused to tell his ex that he had me. And he lets his ex just do everything she likes just like when they were still in relationship. Watched every interaction between them was hurting me so damn bad, I don't know, I just couldn't accept that. And every time I express my jealousy, he got more angry than me.. and our relationship getting worse and worse after that..

The last few weeks, I got more and more frustrated with our relationship. He couldn't been able to tell whether he still loves me or not. He told me that I'm not as beautiful as I was. He said that the first months of our relationship I was so beautiful, put enough make up, not as fat as now and asked me to put more efforts to make myself looked more beautiful as I was. I did it as he wanted to, I tried to do more exercise, put some make up everywhere I go, and try to look beautiful every time and everywhere. But he hasn't been able to see the changes of my look up to now because he refused to see me with many kind of reasons. He forgot his promise to see me on the date we have agreed, he told me he was busy every time I tried to make a meeting plan with him and then I knew he was busy with his video game, I told him that I can see him in his place but he refused it because he was afraid that I will get so tired with my tight schedule and the journey to his place. Last time he told me that he didn't have money to see me here (we lived 3 hours away) but then I found out that he hang out with his ex and his other friend in a famous cafe in his town. He could possibly use his money to see me here instead of seeing his ex gf if he wanted to. It boosted up my jealousy level and my anger to him. So I thought of a stupid idea to sent a meeting invitation through fb to his ex and wanted to ask her what is really happening now. If she still loves him, I would like to help to bring them together because based on my observation my ex bf loves her too. After I sent out the message, I read through for a while, and realized that it might be a very bad idea and have to think more, but I was so frustrated and tired so I clicked the wrong button, I clicked "delete conversation" instead of "delete message" and my message was read by his ex, I ask his ex to keep the message as a secret between us, but then she informed my ex bf directly and my bf directly ditched me through whatsapp. So we broke up! I'm alone again, I love him sooooo much, but also can't live the way we live our relationship before.. So maybe breaking up is the best way for us.

Well, would like to thank my ex bf for every beautiful feeling and moments that we have shared before everything getting worse in our relationship. I love you so much, maybe we are just not a prefect match and not meant to be together.. Hope you have a better life without me and GBU. :)